I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
