Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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