im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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