sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
