i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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