Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
