My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
