can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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