i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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