I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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