My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
