I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
