i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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