Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
