I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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