seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
