my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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