Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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