i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
