an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
