well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm just crazy horny about you
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
