Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I've blown a few things in my day
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
