Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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