Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
