I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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