I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
