To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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