My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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