My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
