I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
