Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
