I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
