Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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