onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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