now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
