He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
