While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
