dude i'm inner monologue high
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Pants are for mortals
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
