everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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