so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
