I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
