i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
