I just cut my nipple shaving
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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