I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
