hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
