omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
