My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
