just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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