please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
