I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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